(PHONE RINGS)
ROB: Hello?
Hello, Rob. Steve Coogan.
- Who's this? - Steve Coogan.
Hey, how are you?
Great, how are you?
Yeah, good. Where are you?
I'm in London, just got back from filming in New York.
I play a chef, it's called Medium Rare.
Anyway, they want me to do publicity for the launch of the series.
(CHILD WAILS)
They want me to do a series of restaurant reviews
and this time, a trip to Spain.
(SNORING)
(DOOR CLOSES)
(BIRDS SING)
Gracias.
(CALL TO PRAYER IN ARABIC)
- Hey, good morning. - Buenos Dias, amigo Coogan.
How was the Alhambra?
It was, er...
Good. It was good, but it was...
You know, beautiful, spiritual...
- Blah, blah, blah. - Yeah, OK.
Joe's not coming out.
What?! Why?
Er, his girlfriend's pregnant.
Oh, my God!
- Bloody hell. - What's he going to do?
- Well, I told him he had options. - What does that mean?
Well, he's too young to be a dad. He's not very worldly, you know?
You know what this means, don't you?
♪ Grandad
- ♪ Grandad, we love you! ♪ - Haven't thought of that.
I'd start thinking about it.
(THEY CHUCKLE)
He's going to be a grandad!
Thank you, Lord.
ROB: Look at those!
STEVE: Oh - see, a lot of people think they're ugly cos they're modern,
but I think they're beautiful cos they're functional.
Tilting At Turbines, that's what I should call my book about Spain.
EMMA: Good idea.
EMMA: Oh, look, Maro. Isn't that where you were going to take Joe snorkelling?
Yeah, it was, yeah.
I brought him here as a baby when I was filming.
How old was he?
- About six months. - Oh!
You know, we could still stop. We've got time.
I'll go snorkelling with you if you want. I could be Joe.
You, dressed in a nappy, crawling around on the beach, eating sand
only has limited appeal.
It wouldn't be for everyone, I mean, I'm the first to admit.
No, it was a long time ago, when I was still married to his mum.
Yeah...
(AS WILLIE NELSON) ♪ To all the girls I loved before
♪ Who travelled in and out my door
♪ I'm glad they came along
♪ I dedicate this song
♪ To all the girls I loved before
(AS JULIO IGLESIAS) ♪ To all the girls who cared for me... ♪
(ROB HUMS)
♪ Who filled my nights with... ecstasy
♪ They live within my heart
♪ There'll always be a part
♪ Of all the girls I've loved before
BOTH: ♪ The winds of change are always blowing
♪ And every time I try to stay
♪ The winds of change continue blowing
♪ And they just carry me away
ROB: (AS WILLIE NELSON) ♪ To all the girls we've loved before
STEVE: (AS JULIO IGLESIAS) ♪ We've had them in and out our doors... ♪
Do you know who lives in Malaga?
- The mayor of Malaga. - Yes, correct.
- Thank you. - And Sean Connery.
Marbella, Mr Coogan, Marbella. You make the mis... He lives in Marbella.
Yeah, but he flies into Malaga.
(AS SEAN CONNERY) By all accounts, he is a very well-respected pillar of the society.
(AS SEAN CONNERY) Yes, he's very active in civic duties.
I like to get involved. The recycling, for example,
plastics on a Friday, cardboard on a Saturday.
"Do you expect me to talk?"
"No, Mr Bond, I expect you to die."
Salad.
Thank you.
- Gracias. - Buen provecho!
(AS CONNERY) When he met Cubby Broccoli and Harry Saltzman
to discuss the role,
as he left the meeting, they looked out of the window
and said he - not yet - and said... What are you doing?
(AS SEAN CONNERY) Getting ready to do Sean Connery.
You appear to be doing him already.
As he left the building and he walked out across Regent Street,
they looked down and said,
"That man is Bond, he moves
- "like a panther." - Like a panther.
- Yes, but walking like a panther
is not enough to bag you the role of James Bond,
because, of course, Bond is also something of a bulldog...
- He was primarily a panther. - He had to be...
- He had to walk like a panther... - ...and a bulldog.
Apologies if I've been dragging my arse round the carpet
because I may have worms.
I have a very itchy anus, I apologise now.
But it's part and parcel of being a panther and a dog.
When you introduce me to Blofeld,
perhaps I should curl up and lick my balls.
- (ROB BARKS) - How about when he says,
"Ah, Mr Bond, we meet again,"
I simply bare my teeth and go...
(HE GROWLS)
(AS BLOFELD) Bad dog, Mr Bond. Bad dog.
(AS ALAN BENNETT) Shut that door. Oh! Place is alive.
- Do you know who I'm doing? - Do you know what really bugged...?
- Oh, wow! - Ham.
- Nice to see some ham. - It's just a waste.
- Me and Rob can have it. - Here you go, Rob.
Fill your boots.
I think I make... I make quite a good knight, don't I?
- Yeah. - You do, actually, yeah.
With the best will in the world, you could never be El Cid.
You could be a chap called Sid. Just not El Cid.
I could be Old Cid.
- Yeah. You could be Old Cid. - Yeah, the Old El Cid.
Look me in the eye and tell me you think you could play El Cid
in a remake, the Charlton Heston role.
Never known anyone take longer to masticate.
- I think you... - He's thinking.
Should masticate, it's important.
Yeah, but not for the length that you do it.
Yes, I... I would have been a good...
Years of my life spent looking at him going like this...
- I would have... - (SHE LAUGHS)
Steve, look at me. This is what I see.
- Hm, hm, hm. - Going like that.
Like Bob Monkhouse.
You certainly could play Michael Hordern in El Cid.
- Who did he play? - Someone's dad, I can't remember.
Oh!
- Know who Michael Hordern was? - Michael Hordern?
- He was the voice of Paddington. - Michael Hordern would go...
- (SINGSONG)...Paddington Bear. - Yeah, I loved his voice!
That wasn't Michael Hordern, that was Michael Hordern's horse.
Michael... Hordern.
Didn't he do No Man's Land with Gielgud?
You wouldn't know, it was theatre.
- But he did. - Did he?
Yeah. You know who's doing it now?
(AS IAN MCKELLEN) Ian McKellen. "You shall not have the ring."
(AS IAN MCKELLEN) Ian McKellen speaks like that, with a slight...
However, refines his northern flat vowels.
- Finished? - Yes, gracias.
Finito.
Muchas gracias.
You're missing a bit of camp-ness, you see, because Ian...
Well, no, I think you overplayed that because...
- No, no, no, no, no! - Because his acting, his role,
you don't quite get it.
- I've spoken to Ian in person. - I can speak...
"Oh, you do make me laugh," he said.
- I have met him many, many times! - How many times have you met him?
- Many, many times! - How many?
And you don't get the musicality when he throws the line
- up to the gods... - That was good. That was good.
...and then brings it back down, but still with the flat vowels.
They're very much in evidence, however much he may try
to be received pronunciation with the vowels.
"Oh, you do make you laugh.
"You really... Oh, you do make me laugh.
"Oh, we need a laugh, don't we? Oh, you do make me laugh, Rob. You do."
Does he do that more in private, though?
Cos when he met me, he said, "You're a very good actor."
- ALL: Ooh! - Enjoy.
Thank you. Gracias.
Do you want to come back with me? I can get you on the same flight.
No, I'll stay, thank you. I'm going to write, I'm going to finish my book.
I think the word you're looking for is "start".
I could book you somewhere, I don't know, by the coast
where there's a bit of life.
- Round here? - Yeah. Well, not around here.
- Don't send Steve to the Costa Del Crime. - No.
Anything could happen, fall in with a bad lot.
- Do you want Mimi to come out? - (COCKNEY ACCENT) Hello, Steve.
Seen a lot of your shows.
Come and have a drink. Miguel, get a drink for Coogan.
- Who's that? - Yeah, who is that?
I'm a general, sort of, Cockney criminal.
I'm living down on the Costa Del Crime, Stephen.
Listen, my wife, she loves a lot of your stuff.
Not so much the Philomena, she couldn't get to grips with that.
But she loves the Alan Partridge.
A-ha!
Why don't you come and join us? Have a drink.
Yeah, is there something wrong with your tongue, mate?
You look a bit like you've had a stroke.
Yeah, well, I've been in the sun. Sunstroke, sweetheart.
- Don't touch her. - What?
This is what you've got waiting for you down the Costa...
I'll keep you up by the back of Maro.
If you want to take me on, Stephen,
I will take you to Chinatown and tie you down.
(ROUGH VOICE) If you want to do a criminal and actually commit to doing someone...
- Who are you doing? - I'm doing Bob Hoskins, ain't I?
- Oh, well, that helps. - This is my manor.
Now, there's been an eruption!
Ssh! Not too loud, Stephen.
I used to be on On The Move, the programme for illiterate people.
D-O-G, dog.
C-A-T, cat.
Wherever you see this sign, you'll get help reading and writing,
all right?!
Now there's been an eruption of spelling.
Thinking about Joe, 20 is a young age to have a child.
How old were you when you had your kids?
43.
- A bit of a difference. - Yes.
I didn't drink until I was 35, had my first child at 43.
Are the two related? We'll never know.
How old...? What's her name, the girlfriend?
- Helen, she's 19. - (SHE GASPS)
19!
Only 19 years old.
BOTH: (AS MICHAEL CAINE) She was only 19 years old.
I don't mean any disrespect, Steve, but...
She was only 19, she was only... You've got to get the voice...
You've got emotion in your voice when you say it.
- She was only... - Now he has.
...19 years old.
Joe has met a young lady...
She was only... 19... years old.
When Joe and Helen had a child,
she was only 19 years old.
She was only... It's actually 16 in the film.
I know that.
But Helen was only 19 years old.
And she had a child with Joe.
She had a grandfather who was so talented, who was so gifted...
- He was only... - The grandfather was only 50 years old.
50 years old.
Hey, do you know who was born in Malaga?
- No. - Picasso.
- Who? - Picasso.
- Is that true? - Yeah!
They've opened a museum to him.
Who played Picasso in a very popular film...?
No, come on!
Who was it? No, ask Emma.
Who played Picasso?
Guess. It's one of Rob's five impressions.
- That should narrow it down. - It wasn't Tom Jones.
- No.
Wasn't Tom Jones, OK - getting closer.
- Spanish? - We're getting warmer.
Tony Hopkins, Tony Hopkins played him.
- Really? - In Surviving...
(AS ANTHONY HOPKINS) Surviving Picasso.
I played the painter, wonderful man.
I don't like to talk about it.
I like to draw. I like to put the eyes here, the nose there...
He played Picasso as a Welshman?
Well, he didn't do a Spanish accent, Steve.
Did he not?
He doesn't have your versatility, let's be honest.
(AS ANTHONY HOPKINS) He learned to paint and he painted
the paintings in a figurative way, he knew how to do still life.
And he knew how to do, you know, paint the...
(AUSTRALIAN ACCENT) Pablo, Pablo, some of the men
are saying that you're painting in a very strange way.
They're saying that the nose is where the eyes should be.
Some of them are saying you're a Cubist.
Oh, "Pablo", is it? Not "captain" or "sir"? Hm, eh?
There are rumblings, Pablo.
They want me to put the nose in the front of the face?
In the middle, like that, right? And the eyes next to the nose?
- Is that what you want? - Yes.
(SHOUTING) Tell your men that I'll put the nose where the cheek is
and I'll put the eyes up here and the mouth round the corner
and we'll sail around the Cape of Good Hope, God damn your eyes, sir!
We'll put the eyes where I want to and the nose where I want to.
If you turn your back on me, I shall put two eyes on your back
and a nose down by your arse.
Do you want that, sir? Is that what you want, sir?
Don't turn your back on me.
I will draw you like a Cubist. That's what I'll do.
If you turn your back on me, I'll put your nose on your bottom, sir.
Round the Horn is a good way. Round the Horn we shall go.
What's interesting about Picasso is, why I love him,
his early paintings are very orthodox.
- Very accessible. - EMMA: Yeah, yeah.
He knew how to do all that, but he said, "That's not enough.
"I want to rewrite the rule book and be radical and avant-garde."
- Are you a bit like Picasso, Steve? - And that's...
Well, I empathise with his point of view.
Yes, he is, he is, he is, he is! He's going to say it.
- What I'm saying is... - Can I record this? Hang on, hang on.
I'd rather we deified people who did great things for no money.
Those are the people we should be talking about,
not people who can do this great thing when they made a few bob on the side
cos they did X, Y and Z.
I don't give a flying fuck about people who made lots of money.
I give a fuck about people who try to change the world in a noble way.
I agree. All I'm saying is,
Chris Evans did very well planting palm trees in Portugal...
I'm delighted for him.
- ...and selling them to people who'd... - Well, that's great for him.
I'm delighted that he's made money out of palm trees.
- EMMA: Hola. - Hola, Buenas tardes.
Buenas tardes. I've got a reservation, Steve Coogan.
"This castle is Gibralfaro, named after the same man as Gibraltar.
"When the Moors came in 711, there were only a few thousand.
"Within a couple of years, they controlled almost all of Spain."
That's exactly the same as Isis,
the modern caliphate, because there's only a few thousand of them
and yet, they control half of Syria and half of Iraq.
They're trying to emulate what the Moors did
when they had control of everywhere from Cordoba to Baghdad.
EMMA: Well, Isis aren't tolerant... They're not doing it with tolerance.
No, they're not, but Islam is...
Can we stop talking about Isis?
Cervantes was captured by Barbary pirates and taken to Algiers
and there was a price on his head and when the ransom was paid,
he let his brother go instead of him.
Is that true?
- That is true. - He let his brother go
- when he could have gone? - Yeah.
- Wow! - I know.
Not sure I'd do that. Would you do that? Let your brother go?
Er... probably not.
No, I don't think I would either.
- With the best will in the world. - No.
If my child was there, they could take my child.
Oh, yeah, absolutely.
I'd let any child go.
Any child?
Any child, as long as it... You know, not any child.
I mean, they'd have to be worth the effort.
Well, Cervantes, when he tried to escape, he was captured.
He had a noose around his neck, he was taken to Hassan,
the leader of Algiers,
and he became his lover to literally save his neck.
- Bum or neck? - Yes.
- If that is what it comes down to, yes. - Life or bum.
Well, either way, you're buggered.
Let me say now, I'm in. I...
- Really? - He's in, rather. He's in.
Ah, but they become lovers, so it would be in-out, in-out.
- See that ferry? - EMMA: Yeah.
That's the ferry for Africa.
- Really? - Hm.
Yeah, it's always good to say goodbye...
...in the mist, like, er...
at the end of Casablanca.
(AS HUMPHREY BOGART) Could be the start of a beautiful friendship.
(AS HUMPHREY BOGART) Be the start of a beautiful friendship.
- Could be the start of... - You've got to get the depth.
I've got the depth right there.
Look at that mystical city.
Right, I'm going to make a move.
Um... early flight.
Yeah, me too, actually.
- Oh, yeah. - Hm.
- Oh. - Say our goodbyes now.
- OK, OK. - Yeah.
- Sure you're going to be all right? - Yeah.
Yeah, I'm going to look forward to this week, writing and...
- All right, good. - ...what have you.
You know. Hey!
What can we say?
It's been... a week.
And I'll see you...
In another country.
- In the future. - Yeah, in the future.
- Have fun now. - Yeah, OK.
Bye.
And we disappear into the mist.
ROB: Could be the start of a beautiful friendship.
(STEVE SIGHS)
- Buenos Dias. - Hi.
- Oh, you're English! - Yeah.
My name's Ambrose, I'm the son of the owners here.
Oh, right! Great, great.
- Can I help you with your bags? - Yeah, sure.
So, this will be your room.
Oh, this is great, yeah. Very cosy.
Now, we thought there were going to be two of you, but...
Yeah, my son was going to come, but he couldn't make it.
- Well, I'll leave you now. - OK.
- How old are you, by the way? - 17.
Ha! OK, thank you.
- Yep. - Thanks, Ambrose.
(HE EXHALES LOUDLY)
Guess who it is!
Hey!
How's it been?
- It was good. - Yeah?
- Where's the team? Hiya! - We're all here.
Where are you? Hey!
- We missed you. - Come on.
Daddy!
Oh!
- How's my girl? - Good!
- You good? - Good!
Who's your favourite parent?
- You. - Yay!
Thanks!
Hi.
OVER PHONE: Hi, how are you?
- I'm good. - Where are you?
I'm in Andalusia, in the mountains. It's great.
Is Joe there?
No, he's not, no.
Look, you should come out here.
I can't.
Why not? What is it, work?
I just can't.
Why? Why not?
I'm pregnant.
What?
Yeah, I know, it's stupid.
(DOGS HOWL IN DISTANCE)
Well, is it mine?
No.
Is it Adam's?
Yeah.
Are you sure?
Pretty sure.
I thought you weren't sleeping with him any more.
Look, I gotta go. He's waiting for me downstairs.
What, he's back in New York?
Yeah. Look, I gotta go.
I'm sorry. Take care.
(LINE DISCONNECTS)
♪ Turtle on your head, turtle on your head, turtle on your head
BOTH: ♪ Turtle on your head Turtle on your head
♪ Turtle on my head. ♪
It's the number one song in the charts - Turtle On Your Head.
I thought Charlie was going to be in bed.
Technically he's in bed now, aren't you, Charlie?
- Yep. - Cos dinner is ready.
Hola, senor. Quiere pasar Al restaurante?
- Le apeteceria? - Er...
- No. No esta noche. - Muy bien.
- Soy no muy hambriento. - Muy bien, gracias.
- Hm... - Oh, I've missed you.
I've missed you too.
(AS HUGH GRANT) But now Hugh is back
and there's no reason that we can't resume hostilities
as we did... before we left.
- (BABY CRIES) - Oh, God.
- Right, that's you, not me. - No, it's your turn.
- You can climb over. - I've...
- Come on. - I've been doing it all week.
- I've been away for a week. - (BABY CRIES)
Quickly and then we can get back to what we were doing.
Oh, no, the moment's gone. You can forget that.
- I might have fallen asleep. - (BABY CRIES)
What's the matter? Did you drop him? Have you dropped him, eh?
Did you want him? Yes!
The dragon looked back from the top of the castle, he said,
"I think you're scared of me.
"I'm the biggest dragon in the whole world."
- It's going to turn orange, isn't it? - Yeah.
Right, darling, have a gorgeous day.
Mummy's picking you up, OK, but I'll be home when you get back.
♪ Like a wheel within a wheel... ♪
- Love you. - Bye.
See you, have a good day.
♪ ...On an ever-spinning reel
♪ Like a snowball down a mountain
♪ Or a carnival balloon
♪ Like a carousel that's turning Running rings around the moon
♪ Like a clock whose hands are sweeping Past the minutes of its face
♪ And the world is like an apple Whirling silently in space
♪ Like the circles that you find In the windmills of your mind
♪ Like a tunnel that you follow To a tunnel of its own
♪ Down a hollow to a cavern Where the sun has never shone
♪ Like a door that keeps revolving In a half-forgotten dream
♪ Or the ripples from a pebble Someone tosses in a stream... ♪
Hey, Joe, it's Dad.
Hope everything is OK.
Call me. Let's...
...touch base on what's going on.
♪ ...In the windmills of your mind
♪ Keys that jingle in your pocket
♪ Words that jangle in your head
♪ Why did summer go so quickly?
♪ Was it something that you said?
♪ Lovers walk along the shore And leave their footprints in the sand
♪ Is the sound of distant drumming Just the fingers of your hand...? ♪
- Hola. - Hola.
Hola.
♪ ...Half-remembered names and faces But to whom do they belong?
♪ When you knew that it was over You were suddenly aware
♪ That the autumn leaves were turning to the colour of her hair
♪ A circle in a spiral... ♪
Hello.
Hey! How are you doing?
Where are you? It's noisy. I thought you were in the mountains.
It's just the streets here in Malaga, you know?
You're not in a bar, are you?
No, I'm not in a bar, no, no. Hey, listen, er...
OK, so I'm calling because, er...
...um, I want to be with you.
- I know, but... - I don't care about the baby...
I mean, I do care about the baby. What I mean is I... I...
You know, I'll bring it up with you. You know, we can raise it together.
It'll have two dads.
Lots of people do that.
Yeah, lots of gay men.
So it will have two dads and one mum. That's... It'll be a lucky kid.
I don't know. I'm in New York, you're in London.
I'll move to New York. I love New York, you know that.
- It's... - (CHURCH BELL TOLLS)
- Why don't you come out? - I don't know.
Come out. I'll tell you what, we can go to the Atlas Mountains.
You remember that hotel that you really like.
I mean, I can get the ferry from here and, er...
You know, I can almost see Africa from here.
Brrrr-ah! Brrr-aaahh.
Oh-ah!
(HE YAWNS)
(SLAPPING)
(BEEPING)
Hello.
Nice surprise...
You're here already.
I've been waiting for you.
I've missed you.
I love you.
Ah, fuck.
(MOBILE RINGS)
Hello.
- Oh, hello. Rob? - Hiya. Emma?
I was just wondering, have you heard from Steve?
No. Why? Should I?
He's checked out of the hotel and I don't know where he is.
- Is he lost in La Mancha? - Yeah.
He's normally on the phone to me ten times a day, which is why I'm a bit worried.
He'll be sitting somewhere talking to a nun
and asking her if she's heard of Judi Dench.
(SHOUTING) Allahu Akbar! Allahu Akbar!
♪ Like a circle in a spiral
♪ Like a wheel within a wheel
♪ Never ending or beginning On an ever-spinning reel
♪ Like a snowball down a mountain
♪ Or a carnival balloon
♪ Like a carousel that's turning Running rings around the moon
♪ Like a clock whose hands are sweeping Past the minutes of its face
♪ And the world is like an apple Whirling silently in space
♪ Like the circles that you find
♪ In the windmills of your mind. ♪